Supporting Loved Ones: I Know How You Feel

As I've tossed around the idea of regular posts, I thought maybe I'd choose a couple of regular features and blog post series. There are some things I can keep going for a long time, but there are others I'd like to share that will have a finite amount of material.

I'm not sure how long this series will last, but I've had a handful of people ask about what they should do to offer help and support to those with mental illness. It's not easy, and honestly I could share more things that would be unhelpful than helpful, but I'll try to share a mix of both, usually starting with what not to say/do and then provide an alternative.

I've touched on some of these themes in previous posts, but I wanted to get more in depth for those who are struggling with offering help and support to a loved one facing mental health challenges.

One thing I hear often from people with mental illness is that they don't want to be told: "I understand what you're going through." If you take a minute to think about that phrase, you'll quickly realize the problem with saying you understand: you don't.

You may have gone through something similar, you might know someone who's gone through something similar, you may have read about something similar, but you don't know what exactly that person is going through.

Hearing, "I know what you're going through," is usually not helpful to someone with a mental illness. It doesn't bother me for the most part, mainly because I realize people have good intentions when they say it. Hearing stories from others with mental illness, many also say they are not overly bothered, again because they understand the person saying it is trying to be helpful.

Still, remember, on its face saying, "I know what you're going through," is not true. You are not that person. Regardless of how well you may know her or him, you have not experienced the events, thoughts, or emotions that she or he has experienced.

You may now be asking yourself, "what can I say?" Throughout this series I'll offer some advice on other things to say to someone who is struggling with mental health, but if you're feeling like saying, "I understand what you're going through," there are other more helpful, but similar things you can say.

First, I'd start with focusing on the person and her or his feelings. A simple, "Tell me more about that," will lead you to better understand what the person is going through rather than assuming you understand.

Also, it may be helpful to bring up an experience you or a friend went through that was similar, but don't make it seem like you're doing it to "fix" the person. You could certainly explain that situation and end with, "is that similar to what you're going through?"

If you have more questions and would like to see something answered in this series feel free to comment, message me, or email me at leckbann@gmail.com.