Improving Mental Health - Should Statements

This post is the first in a series of cognitive distortions I've dealt with and how changing them helps improve my mental health. Of the sixteen most common cognitive distortions (read: Cognitive Distortions: When Your Brain Lies to You to see all sixteen), I'll be writing on the handful of distortions that have been most helpful for me to tackle.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are two types of therapies I’ve used that have helped me improve my mental health. In this post I’ll focus on one of the DBT “swear words,”which is also a cognitive distortion in CBT. DBT identifies “swear words” that get us stuck in our thinking. Removing and/or replacing these words and thought patterns can improve our mental health and problem solving skills. This post will focus on "should" and "shouldn't" statements.

The PositivePsychologyProgram website describes Should Statements as:

statements that you make to yourself about what you “should” do, what you “ought” to do, or what you “must” do. They can also be applied to others, imposing a set of expectations that will likely not be met. When we hang on too tightly to our “should” statements about ourselves, the result is often guilt that we cannot live up to them. When he cling to our “should” statements about others, we are generally disappointed by the failure of the others to meet our expectations, leading to anger and resentment.

Some of this information is adapted from a packet I received in a DBT skills group. The packet is based on, “The Feeling Good Handbook,” by David Burns, and, “Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder,” by Marsha Linehan.

Of the ten cognitive distortions identified by David Burns along with others that have been added, identifying and changing "should" statements has been one of the most helpful to me when I’m feeling manic and especially when I’m feeling depressed or anxious.

Should statements when I’m manic are a problem because my mind races, and I tell myself I should be doing many things. Then, instead of completing a task, I flit from thing to thing rather than focusing on one task at a time.

It’s become a major help to me to change my “should” into, “I’d like to,” and, “I choose.” When I  do this, I’m more able to make a list and prioritize what I’d like to do. Then, instead of saying to myself, “I should vacuum the cars, deep clean the kitchen, go for a run, write three blog posts, and clean the bathroom," I can re-frame my thinking and be more realistic by deciding what I want to do first and then tell myself, “I choose to do this task.”

Eliminating should statements when I’m depressed is even more helpful. Often, depression makes me feel lethargic. I have a difficult time of getting things done, and when I make should statements, I feel even more depressed because I often don’t follow through. I also tend to overeat when I’m depressed, and “shoulding” myself with, “I shouldn’t eat so many snacks or sweets” makes me feel worse when I don’t follow through.

Changing my “shoulds,” to “I choose,”  seems simple enough, and saying to myself, “I choose to clean the bathroom,” or, “I choose to only eat two small snacks a day,” improves my chances of getting those things done. 

Should and shouldn’t are also unhelpful when dealing with others. Thinking or saying, “she shouldn’t be so argumentative,” or, “he should spend more time with me,” can lead to feelings of frustration and powerlessness. Instead, you can identify the behavior and, depending on your relationship with the person, you can ignore the behavior or talk to that person in a productive way. Here’s where an “I feel” statement is helpful. 

Say you’re talking to a close friend. You feel like she hasn’t been spending enough time with you. Instead of saying, “You should spend more time with me,” you could say, “I feel like we’re not spending enough time together.” The first statement puts the problem on your friend, and the second statement is simply stating how you feel. Your friend is much more likely to respond in a positive way when she sees how you’re feeling rather than having you say your problem (you want to spend more time with her), is her problem (she should be spending more time with you).

Throughout your day, try getting rid of your should statements. When I work at this, I definitely feel better and more empowered. I'd love to hear from you. What's a "should" statement you could change to an "I choose" or "I feel" statement?

Thanks for reading.