Anxiety

Anxiety is by no means uncommon. Some synonyms include nervous, stressed, worried, apprehensive, and fearful. Anxiety goes hand in hand with things like stage fright, specific phobias, excess regrets, and worry about saying or doing the wrong things.

We all deal with anxiety in a different way, and to a reasonable degree, anxiety can be helpful. I’ll write more about the advantages of anxiety in another post, but in this post I want to share some stories of my struggles with anxiety.

Although I didn’t get an official diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder until my mid-20s, I first remember feeling acutely anxious in the third grade. At the beginning of math, we’d grade our own papers from the previous day. I would get so nervous, my stomach hurt. When I told my mother, I said, “Can I just be out of the room and have someone else grade my math?” 

When my family moved from Lincoln, Nebraska to Hawaii when I was in fifth grade, I also dealt with a lot of anxiety. Crowds would make me nervous, and going to school was especially nerve wracking. In the mornings in front of the school, students waited on the bleachers looking out over the outdoor basketball court. When I had to walk past the bleachers, I was terrified. I’d hunch my shoulders and put my head down and walk as fast as I could, not wanting anyone to look at me.

I worried about what people thought of me, and in bed at night I’d examine my words and actions of the day, worrying that I’d made myself look stupid.

Periods of anxiety came and went, and they reached their pinnacle in February of 2007 while I was in college. I no longer had health insurance, so I stopped taking my medication for bipolar. At first, I thought I was having a manic episode because I couldn’t sleep and I would wake up in the middle of the night with tons of energy.

It turned out to be depression with anxiety, not mania, and it got worse and worse. I started missing class, afraid to leave my dorm room. Finally, I was hospitalized and my medication situation improved, but I continue to deal with anxiety off and on.

The biggest thing that helped me with anxiety was a couple years ago when I attended at DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy - read about it here) group. I learned many skills to deal with anxiety and depression, and still rely on them today to help manage my anxiety.

I could write about many more specific times in my life when anxiety has been a major problem, but I want to keep this post under 1,000 words. If anyone is interested in more posts about times I’ve dealt with anxiety or how I manage my anxiety, let me know.

Thanks for reading.