It's been a rocky few weeks. I've gone through a manic phase, a couple hypomanic phases, and a couple depressive phases.
I started writing this post when I was manic, so I heavily edited it to give a synopsis of my last manic episode.
- I started to applying for many teaching jobs in several different districts.
- I was sleeping a lot less.
- My father-in-law asked me if I’d watched a movie, and I said, “no.” My kids reminded me that I did watch the movie with them and I made them frozen lemonade. I still have no memory of this.
- I signed up for a $250 Linkedin premium subscription. Fortunately, I noticed an email after my episode was over and canceled it before the trial period had ended.
Mania and hypomania feel so good sometimes. The endorphins, the rush of dopamine and
endocannabinoids — it feels so good. The goal-driven behavior, the creativeness — it all feels so good.
But it can get out of control fast. Posting things I normally wouldn’t on Facebook, long-winded and disconnected emails, talking rapidly and sometimes disjointedly, interrupting people. At the time of my mania, I cannot always recognize that I’m crossing boundaries or making people feel uncomfortable. Other times, however, I can see looks of fear and confusion, and realize I’m doing something wrong. Recognizing those looks is one thing that helps me cope with the mania.
I haven’t had a full-blown manic episode in over ten years, but a couple weeks ago I did. These manic episodes feel especially good after a period of depression. When I’m depressed and I move into a manic episode, I have energy for things I did not before. Playing with my kids, doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, writing, and running can all seem insurmountable during a depressive phase.
Then, a manic episode comes along and life feels easier, but there are some problems. Mania makes it hard to focus. I sometimes start cleaning a bathroom, then stop halfway and start doing laundry. Next, I forget about the bathroom and the laundry and start cleaning the kitchen. After a few hours, I have a bunch of incomplete tasks with nothing finished.
One way I try to cope with both mania and depression is making lists. I think it annoys Laura a bit to have Post-Its all over the counters with my to-do lists scribbled on them. It honestly annoys me a bit as well. Besides, when I’m depressed it’s likely that I won’t get to more than a couple things and spend most of my days lying on the couch or in bed. When I’m manic those things often get done partially as I flit and flat from one thing to another without focusing on any specific task.
In the past, I’ve said that I’d rather be depressed than manic. Lying in my bed or on my couch doesn’t bother anyone too much other than not getting anything done. When I’m having a mixed state of depression and hypomania, I’m also easier to deal with because although I have a lot of energy on the hypomanic side, the depressive side usually keeps me under control.
Laura often reminds me that I’m not going to feel depressed forever — that good times are going to come again, but for the past couple years I haven’t believed that. I thought it was going to be normal to rarely want to do anything fun with my family or my friends. I’ll go several weeks feeling balanced, productive, and connected to my family, but there have been a lot of times when everyday tasks like cleaning or playing with my kids have felt very difficult.
I hope this latest manic episode will be the last, but if it isn’t I hope to be able to employ even more coping skills to cope with the manic symptoms.
I also hope to find a healthy balance and stay in a state productiveness and connection.
Be well.
