Bipolar Glossary

 As I've been writing about mental illness for a while now, I realize I sometimes throw terms out there that may not be understood. A good resource I've found is the Glossary of Bipolar Terms on the Dummies.com website. Check them out if you're interested in learning more about bipolar.

Mania Part 1

It's been a rocky few weeks. I've gone through a manic phase, a couple hypomanic phases, and a couple depressive phases.

I started writing this post when I was manic, so I heavily edited it to give a synopsis of my last manic episode.

• I started to applying for many teaching jobs in several different districts.
• I was sleeping a lot less.
• My father-in-law asked me if I’d watched a movie, and I said, “no.” My kids reminded me that I did watch the movie with them and I made them frozen lemonade. I still have no memory of this.
• I signed up for a $250 Linkedin premium subscription. Fortunately,  I noticed an email after my episode was over and canceled it before the trial period had ended.

Mania and hypomania feel so good sometimes. The endorphins, the rush of dopamine and endocannabinoids — it feels so good. The goal-driven behavior, the creativeness — it all feels so good.

But it can get out of control fast. Posting things I normally wouldn’t on Facebook, long-winded and disconnected emails, talking rapidly and sometimes disjointedly, interrupting people. At the time of my mania, I cannot always recognize that I’m crossing boundaries or making people feel uncomfortable. Other times, however, I can see looks of fear and confusion, and realize I’m doing something wrong. Recognizing those looks is one thing that helps me cope with the mania.

I haven’t had a full-blown manic episode in over ten years, but a couple weeks ago I did. These manic episodes feel especially good after a period of depression. When I’m depressed and I move into a manic episode, I have energy for things I did not before. Playing with my kids, doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, writing, and running can all seem insurmountable during a depressive phase.

Then, a manic episode comes along and life feels easier, but there are some problems. Mania makes it hard to focus. I sometimes start cleaning a bathroom, then stop halfway and start doing laundry. Next, I forget about the bathroom and the laundry and start cleaning the kitchen. After a few hours, I have a bunch of incomplete tasks with nothing finished.

One way I try to cope with both mania and depression is making lists. I think it annoys Laura a bit to have Post-Its all over the counters with my to-do lists scribbled on them. It honestly annoys me a bit as well. Besides, when I’m depressed it’s likely that I won’t get to more than a couple things and spend most of my days lying on the couch or in bed. When I’m manic those things often get done partially as I flit and flat from one thing to another without focusing on any specific task. 

In the past, I’ve said that I’d rather be depressed than manic. Lying in my bed or on my couch doesn’t bother anyone too much other than not getting anything done. When I’m having a mixed state of depression and hypomania, I’m also easier to deal with because although I have a lot of energy on the hypomanic side, the depressive side usually keeps me under control.

Laura often reminds me that I’m not going to feel depressed forever — that good times are going to come again, but for the past couple years I haven’t believed that. I thought it was going to be normal to rarely want to do anything fun with my family or my friends. I’ll go several weeks feeling balanced, productive, and connected to my family, but there have been a lot of times when everyday tasks like cleaning or playing with my kids have felt very difficult.

I hope this latest manic episode will be the last, but if it isn’t I hope to be able to employ even more coping skills to cope with the manic symptoms.

I also hope to find a healthy balance and stay in a state productiveness and connection.

Be well.

Louisiana Half Marathon Race Report

Time for a much-belated race report:

My beautiful wife, Laura, has the goal of running a half marathon in every state, so for the past couple years we've been doing races around the Florida panhandle (the Big Beach 1/2 Marathon was pretty eventful when I inadvertently dressed as a pacer, all the way down to having "pacer" written on the back of my shirt).

This year, Laura checked off Louisiana. We drove from Laura's parents' condo in Pensacola for about five hours to Baton Rouge. When arrived, we paid a small fortune to park next to our hotel. It would have been cheaper to park valet, but we figured after the tip it would have come out in the wash. We walked from our hotel to the expo where we got our race numbers and shirts. We also found out about a race morning mass.

After a nice meal at the hotel restaurant, we settled into bed to get up early the next morning for the race.

Race morning we got to get a grab-and-go breakfast that the hotel provided, and we headed to St. Joseph Cathedral to partake in a 26.2 minute pre-race mass. The mass actually lasted a little longer than 26.2 minutes as they had the Eucharist, so the large crowd of runners took a while to get through communion.

The priest was also a runner, so he emphasized that the cathedral had bathrooms available. After the mass, however, I thought there would be a long line, so I told Laura we should just use the port-o-potties at the race start.

Counting on the port-o-potties turned out to be a mistake. After waiting in line for about 15 minutes, I realized there was no way we were going to make it to the start on time. I didn't really have to go, so I decided I'd risk having to stop mid-race to use the bathroom.

When I got to the start, it was a repeat of the Madison Marathon where I got myself stuck way back in the crowd. I weaved through to try and get closer to the start, but people were packed into the starting corral, so it was difficult and slow going. As the race was about to start, I saw Laura weaving through the crowds in front of me. I guess I need to take lessons from her in moving through a tightly packed crowd.

The route through Baton Rogue was decent, but I really didn't pay attention too much as I was focused on getting through the crowd. My first 10K split was 7:47/mile, and my overall pace for the race was 7:21, so I was able to pick up the pace quite a bit after getting through the crowds.

My finishing time was 1:38:56. A far cry from my fastest time, but I was happy with it for the amount of training I've been doing (about 20 miles per week) as opposed to averaging around 50 to 60 miles per week when I was at my peak.

When I got to gear check after the race, I reached for my gloves that I had put in my pockets. Laura had bought them for me for my birthday, and I really liked them. Unfortunately, I only had one in my pocket. I walked back to gear check and asked them if anyone had seen a glove, but they had not.

So, I walked to the finish line to cheer for Laura and get a picture of her finishing. When she came through the chute, she informed me that she'd found my glove around mile 6. "I was 90% sure it was yours," she said.

The post-race food and drink were awesome. They had chocolate milk,  a post-race favorite for me. Then, we had five tokens to pick out the food and drink we wanted. I got some vegetarian gumbo, seafood gumbo, vegetarian jambalaya, and a couple beers.

Laura and I had a great trip, and I'm looking forward to whatever destination race she picks out next time.

Pensacola Rex Plex North parkrun

It's become a winter tradition to travel down to Pensacola, Fla. One of my favorite things about escaping the godforsaken frozen tundra of Minnesota in January or February is time to run outside without eight layers of clothes, tiptoeing around icy patches, and trampling through snow.

This year was special as we got to do the Pensacola Rec Plex North parkrun. My boy child has been running parkruns for over a year now. We've done all the parkruns in Minnesota and one in Michigan, so he was excited to do one in Florida. (He's now done the only parkrun in Iowa too.)

The course ran through some wooded areas, and volunteers had spray painted the roots which I found very helpful as I fall at least every third trail run I do.

My boy child and I ran together, and then, as is his tradition, he sprinted ahead of me to the finish. He finished 5th out of 83 runners and won his age group. I finished 6th and also won my age group.

Laura enjoyed her run as well. We had a good time together, and no one had to push the jogging stroller as our daughter stayed back at the condo with her grandparents.

I enjoyed the parkrun quite a bit, but even after running in weather in the 60s, I also enjoy the cold weather parkruns in Eagan, and now I'm excited for the cool temperatures of early spring.

Watch for my review of all the parkruns I've run so far.

Run well.

Mood Swings

One of the most bothersome parts of bipolar is the mood swings. Last week I couldn't get myself to do hardly anything. I even wanted to skip a trip to Whitetail Woods Regional Park. I spent a lot of time laying around on the couch, not playing with my kids or doing any chores. I was in bed for close to ten hours a couple days and it took me thirty minutes to pack to lunches and make breakfast — a chore that should take ten minutes.

Then, I swung the other way. When I feel depressed, everything — work, taking care of the kids, taking a shower — all seem overwhelming. But today, I've swung the other way. I slept about four hours last night and don't feel a bit tired. I'm wanting to talk to people constantly, and I flit and flat from one task to the next.

I've talked to my therapist about these manic episodes, and she recommended harnessing that energy into productive tasks — especially creative ones. So, I'm writing some blog posts and might work on a young adult novel whose second draft I've never go through. I'm also getting cleaning done that I wouldn't normally do.

Thanks to everyone who supports me during these rough spells. Those who listen to my rambling conversation, those who let my wife know I'm struggling to be coherent, and especially thank you to my beautiful wife, Laura, who supports me through these mood swings.

Be well.

Running With an Olympian

Way back in October, of 2013, I had the privilege of running with Olympian Carrie Tollefson. I had the idea of interviewing her while I ran, and I was hoping to get a version of the story I wrote published in a national running magazine. The Q and A format made it into "Run Minnesota" magazine, but the long form has sat idly on my hard drive.

Whether I took too long to submit and the story lost its timeliness, it was too long, or just not well-enough written, the long version of this article didn't make it to publication. So, I figured I'd share it here:

Interviewed on the Run: Carrie Tollefson

Looking into the overcast fall morning in St. Paul, I wait in a Caribou Coffee to meet Carrie Tollefson for a run. The smell of the coffee keeps me alert as I read through my list of questions about Carrie's first marathon, the Twin Cities Marathon. After I check my iPod to make sure it's ready to record our conversation,  I look out the wide-pane windows, not wanting to make Carrie wait outside in the brisk fall weather.

An Olympic Athlete and winner of the 2004 Olympic Trials 1500m, Carrie, a mother of two, splits her time between Reebok Ambassadors, "C Tolle Run," training and racing, and caring for her family of four. Her newest, Everett, was born sixteen weeks before her first marathon as a little brother to her daughter, Ruby, age three.

“How far do you have on your schedule today?” she asks after we shake hands and exchange Minnesota pleasantries.

“I can go as far or short as you want,” I say. I’m nervous about recording our conversation on my iPod while asking questions from my laminated notecard, all while trying to keep up with an Olympic athlete.

“Is 40 minutes OK?” she asks. “My glute’s been acting up a little bit.”

“That’s OK with me. Since my knee started hurting, I’ve pretty much thrown my plan out the window,” I say. I’ve been training for my next race, the St. Louis Marathon, but a broken knee from the previous year has begun to flare up again.

We run down Randolph Ave, and begin chatting about Carrie's first marathon. Carrie is all smiles as she talks about her training for her first marathon. I hope I’m not slowing her down at our seven minute-per-mile pace. “I ran consistently five days a week, and my highest week was 63,” she says as we run from the Caribou toward the Mississippi River.

Carrie’s training consisted of about 45 miles a week, but she added in more quality workouts than normal. “When I did 40 miles, it was a good 40 miles — not a lot of junk,” she says. “Sometimes I only had time for five, so I’d make it a hard five."

Her routine normally consists of more strength training, but for her marathon training, she didn’t have time. “I didn’t do much core work,” she says as we continue towards Minneapolis. She’s talking easily, while my breathing is becoming a little more labored. “They recommend you wait eight weeks after your pregnancy, and by that point I was halfway through my marathon training.”

Carrie started the Twin Cities Marathon with her friends, Angela Voight and Angela Williams. They soon met up with Katie McGregor, a 2:31 marathoner, professional runner, and Carrie's best friend. “I was feeling pretty good, and Angie Voight was saying, ‘I think you’re going to surprise yourself,'" says Carrie. "At mile five I had to stop and use the bathroom, which I never really have to do.”

At that point, McGregor waited for Carrie while “the Angies” kept going. “I feel like I was overhydrated and I was so uncomfortable,” says Carrie. Her bathroom break was unusual, because as a nursing mother she’d been constantly dehydrated. Carrie had also been dealing with a sore back after spending time driving to Grand Forks, North Dakota and flying to New York City the week before the race.

“I started running 6:20 pace after I went to the bathroom, and that felt better to me,” she says. I hadn't said much as we crossed the Ford bridge from St. Paul to Minneapolis. Carrie's story about her first marathon sounds like a lot of other first-timers' stories.

“Katie and I caught up to the Angies,” Carrie says, “but got separated again at a water stop around mile seven.” She then told Katie she was feeling better and ready to run a 6:30 pace.

Carrie had plenty of crowd support along the way. Katie McGregor told me that people were cheering for Carrie all along the race course.

As we ran toward Minnehaha Park, we passed Cretin Ave, the first of a long section of uphill on the last six miles of the Twin Cities Marathon course. “Want to run up Cretin?” I ask. She laughs. “No,” she says, “I live on those hills; I run those dang hills every day. But during the race I was thinking, when are these things going to end?” The last few miles of the marathon were tough for Carrie. She slowed from a 6:35 pace through 30k to a 6:52 pace through the next 5k.

Unfortunately, Carrie didn’t quite hit her goal of a sub three hour marathon. “At mile 25,” Carrie says, “Angie Williams went by me and ended up running a 2:59:28.” Carrie’s other two friends also ran great times. Katie McGregor finished in 2:47 as a workout, while Angie Voight, a sports medicine doctor, ran a 3:08. All four finished in the top 15 in their age groups.

“If I’d just tried to run the race I meant to run, stayed with the Angies, then I would have maybe snuck under [three hours],” she says. Carrie ended up running 3:02:47. “I just can’t complain about this,” she says. “It was an amazing journey and a really good race, even though I had to walk and wanted to go home rather than finish. I feel good that I can go and speak about my marathon experience and relate to 99.9% of the people, because how often does it go perfect?” 

Carrie knows how to keep up a good conversation while she runs. Normally when I run with others, I talk their ears off, but now I’m able to ask questions, share a little about my own running, but mainly listen.  For her part, Carrie acts just as interested in how my wife and I did at our Twin Cities Marathon weekend races as I did about her race.

I’m so engrossed with her story, I don’t even notice the beautiful fall colors along the Mississippi. Normally I gape with awe at the views along Mississippi River Blvd, but we’ve been running for almost twenty minutes when I finally notice some of the scenery.  “Last time I was over here, there was almost no water in Minnehaha Falls,” I say, gesturing toward the falls. After a couple days’ rain, water from the falls cascades into the pool below.

“This is my favorite thing,” she says while we run along the walkway overlooking the falls. “When I have the girls come run with me, I make them stop and look.”

We wind our way back over the Ford Ave Bridge into St. Paul. I finish off my questions by asking Carrie about the current household record holder in the marathon, her husband Charlie. A former college football wide receiver at the University of Hamline and three-time Iron Man, Charlie has run a 3:01 marathon. At Twin Cities, in 2013 however, Carrie beat her husband by almost an hour.

“Charlie’s a great dad and works really hard. He doesn’t want to miss out on anything,” Carrie says. Charlie and Carrie started their marathon training with Wednesday night date runs, and a long run on the weekend. “Pretty soon date nights went away, and he was only doing the Saturday long run,” she says. “He calls it the ‘lifetime taper plan.’”

As we come back toward Caribou Coffee, Carrie tells me about her weekly web-show, “C Tolle Run.” Carrie’s been doing the show since December of 2010. “I love sharing stories about running and physical fitness, and just the joy that we can get out of life,” she says. “There’s a lot of heartache and stress in life, but if you can’t smile and try to enjoy 90% of it, it’s going to be a rough life to live.”  Carrie also likes to get a little goofy on camera. “I don’t care if people think I’m funny,” she says. “I’m a goofball in real life and a goofball on camera.”

“C Tolle Run” enjoys a wide following, and many runners recognize her from the show. She credits Julie Heaton, the director, and Tim Bornholdt, the producer, for the show’s quality production. “I’m trying to share with people that running is one of my favorite extra-curricular activities, and I’m just lucky enough that I can do it at a high level. Even if I didn’t, I could still get so many rewards from it. We’ve enjoyed “C Tolle Run” and hope it continues.”

We finish our run, and after chatting a little about some of my favorite runners, Geoffrey Mutai and Bernard Lagat, Carrie heads back toward her home in St. Paul. She’s not sure when she’ll do her next marathon — her work with “C Tolle Run” and Reebok Ambassadors keeps her busy. She does pre-race coverage of many of the races she runs, and being on her feet all day the day before a marathon makes racing a difficult proposition.

I jog back to my car, blowing on my hand, numb from the cool breeze and its locked position around my iPod. I stop the recording, climb inside, and coax the engine of my old Honda to life in the Minnesota morning. When I get home, I sit down to plan my next race, my next marathon, and how to make my schedule work. If Carrie can get the training in, maybe I have time too.

Madison Marathon Race Report

It had been a while since I had gone a trip on my own to do a race. Back when I was pacing a lot, there were a few times I made trips to races alone, though I usually shared a hotel with another pacer or two.

I had decided to do the Madison Marathon because I didn't want to go another year without running a marathon. So, I registered for the race and booked a cheap hotel and headed to Madison, The drive was uneventful and quiet, and I arrived in Madison with plenty of time to get to the expo.

Those who know me know I'm incredibly bad with directions, so I paid extra close attention to where I parked for expo. On race morning I used Google Maps on my phone to mark my parking location.

But for the expo I risked using my memory, and fortunately it worked out. After picking up my race packet, I headed to the hotel. Unfortunately, the hotel wasn't too nice. I asked them about a late checkout, and negotiated my way to 12:30 p.m., which would be cutting it close after finishing the race, but I really wanted to shower before driving back to Eagan. Strangely, they didn't seem to take down my room number.

After I did a short shake out run, I got some dinner at Noodles and Company, then tried to get some sleep. I had been in a mixed state (combination of manic and depression), so it was difficult to fall asleep, but I finally dozed off around 10:45 p.m, which gave a about six hours of sleep after I got up early for the race,

I had plenty of time to park and get to the start, so after hunkering down it my warm clothes for a while, I  did my warm up exercises. Laura called me and told me that her coworker, who was there to watch her husband, was at the race, and that I should send a picture of myself to her so her coworker could watch for me and cheer for me.

Then, I got in line for gear check, which turned out to be a bit of a fiasco. There was a very long line, and only one person was collecting the bags. I was certain I wouldn't make it to the start in time, but a volunteer started walking up the line and taking people's bags just in the nick of time.

Unfortunately, there were thousands of runners already lined up, and I couldn't get very close to the front. When the race started, I was still walking a fair amount after crossing the start line, and it took me around six miles to being able to run without weaving through the crowds.

I had trouble deciding what to wear on top. The temperature was decent, but in spots in it was pretty windy, which made it a little chilly, so I ended up wearing a long sleeve shirt the entire race instead of taking it off like I was planning.

I saw Laura's coworker, Becky, at the halfway point which was a nice boost. The course was a little bit of a blur. We ran along a couple lakes which was pretty, and there were some rolling hills with quite a bit of elevation gain the last couple miles.

I finished the race in 3:34:46. I was reasonably satisfied with my time as I hadn't run a ton of workouts or miles leading up to the race,

After I got my finishing food, I decided to forgo the finishing beer so I could get to the hotel. Seeing's how they didn't take my room number down for a late check out, I was a little worried that my room wouldn't be held for me.

Turns out I came just before it was about to be cleaned. My key card didn't work, but fortunately they reactivated it for me so I could get in my room and take a shower before my 5ish hour drive back to Eagan.

Overall the race was fine, but there was nothing great about it that would make me want to do it again. I also don't think I'll go on a solo trip to do a race again. I missed the wife and kids, and it would have been more fun if they had come along.

Hospital Anniversary

Eight years. Eight years of being mentally healthy enough to stay out of the psych ward.

I definitely didn't do it on my own. My friends and family have been absolute rocks for me, especially my wonderful wife, Laura.

While I've stayed out of the hospital, it hasn't all been rosy. I've been close to heading for the hospital a few times, but thankfully I broke out of the funk I was in before having to go.

I've definitely gone through some pretty rough patches where being a productive member of society just wasn't happening. 

But, again, my family and friends helped pull me through those hard times, so many thanks to them for getting me through another year of being hospital-free.

Be well.

Everyday Happenings: Wasting Time, Money, and Gas

Running and mental health are the overarching themes of this blog, but I'd like to branch out a little bit by making this weblog (blog), a little more of a journal. The happenings may be boring, but I hope to write them in a way that is a little entertaining and/or relatable. Anyhow, here's episode 1 of Everyday Happenings.

"Wasting Time, Wasting Money, Wasting Gas"

This morning I needed gas for our beloved maroon Toyota Sienna minivan. Normally this would be a straightforward process of driving to the gas station, inserting my HyVee Fuel Saver Plus Perks reward card, tapping my Discover card, and fueling up.

Today, however, after using my Perks card and tapping my Discover card, the gas started flowing, Slowly. Very slowly. Like, amazingly slowly. I'm talking, one minute and I hadn't reached half a gallon.

My little girl was patiently waiting in the car, and fortunately she wasn't too irked to go inside the convenience store. I went to the counter and waited in line to explain my problem. The Shell station wasn't too busy, so I only had to wait for one customer before I explained my situation.

"Hi," I began. "I went to fuel up out there, and the gas pump isn't working. It's pumping incredibly slowly."

"Let me look," the nice lady who was balancing a cell phone on her shoulder. "Oh, yes. We need to have our filters replaced and we're waiting for someone to come and do that. Also, the cold weather (it was -7 degrees Fahrenheit) makes it worse."

"OK," I said. "Well I used my Perks card. Is there a way you can get the 27 cents a gallon back on there?"

"I can't," she said. "But you can go to Hy Vee and they can do it there."

Great. I needed to get bananas and almond bark anyway, so the little one and I pack up and head to Hy Vee.

After getting the bananas and almond bark, I went to customer service and explained my situation.

The nice young lady at the counter looked up my account and said the 27 cents was still there. 

Great. I couldn't pay for the bananas at customer service because there was no scale, but the nice lady opened a check lane for me and rang me up. 

I then headed to a different Shell station near our house. Once there, I inserted my Hy Vee Fuel Saver. "Loading," the pump said. I waited. "Loading," it still said. It was cold. My fingers were losing feeling and my face felt frostbitten. "Loading."

Then, nothing. The pump went back to its home screen. I tried again. Same thing only I was even colder. Once again, I had to take my little girl inside.

Another nice young lady greeted me. "I'm having trouble using my Perks card," I said. "Can I use it in here?"

"No problem," she said. I prepaid for $50 worth of gas after inserting my Perks card. 

"Did the discount go through?" I asked.

"It will go back on your card," she said.

"What do you mean?" I said. "Will I get the discount?"

"It will go on your credit card," she said.

This didn't make sense to me, but whatever. I went outside to pump my $50 of gas. Normally the price at the pump changes to reflect the discounted price, but it did not. The gas at this Shell was ten cents a gallon more expensive than the other, and I have a ten cents per gallon card for Holiday, and the gas there was also cheaper than the Shell I filled up at.

So, to save 27 cents per gallon on gas I: 

• Drove to a Shell that was a little out of the way. 
• Went inside to report a problem. 
• Went to Hy Vee.
• Drove to another Shell.
• Went inside to report another problem.
• Paid for gas without the discount and spent more money than I would have had I just gone to the Holiday by my house.

All of this took almost an hour, so there's an hour of my morning I'll never get back. On the plus side, it looks like I still have the 27 cents discount on my card, so when I fill up next time, perhaps it'll be easier.

If you made it this far, congratulations; you just shared a mundane moment of life with me. Thanks for reading.

Goals Progress

My year of goals hasn’t been off to a great start, but I’ve recommitted in the New Year and plan on getting at least closer to meeting my goals. Here’s how my goals are going:

1.  Eat/drink one sweet a week or fewer.

My goal has been off to an abysmal start. It didn’t help that Thanksgiving and Christmas brought a lot of tempting sweets. My main problem with meeting this goal is I often end up binging on sweets when I intend to only have one. I’ve now decided that I’m not going to have any sweets for at least a month which will help get me back on track.

2. Drink one alcoholic beverage per week or fewer.

This one has gone a lot better, and I’m on track to meeting it.

3. Run a marathon.

I’m signed up for the Twin Cities Marathon, and barring a significant injury I should definitely be able to do it.

4. Break 20 minutes in the 5K.

After running a couple 5Ks, this one’s going to be a tough one. I’m hoping to give it a couple shots from late August to late September.

5. Run over 1,111 miles.

I’m pretty close to being on track for this one.

6. Hit race weight by May and stay there.

I’m moving in the right direction, but not quite on pace.

7. Write 14 blog posts.

I'm pretty far off from this one, but I’m going to try to get a few more out in the next month to get back on track.

8. Average one hour of strength and mobility per week.

I’m pretty close to being on track on this one.

--

I'm optimistic about my chances for meeting my goals. If I can get a handle on sweets, I'll feel a lot better.

Be well.