Mania Part 1

It's been a rocky few weeks. I've gone through a manic phase, a couple hypomanic phases, and a couple depressive phases.

I started writing this post when I was manic, so I heavily edited it to give a synopsis of my last manic episode.

• I started to applying for many teaching jobs in several different districts.
• I was sleeping a lot less.
• My father-in-law asked me if I’d watched a movie, and I said, “no.” My kids reminded me that I did watch the movie with them and I made them frozen lemonade. I still have no memory of this.
• I signed up for a $250 Linkedin premium subscription. Fortunately,  I noticed an email after my episode was over and canceled it before the trial period had ended.

Mania and hypomania feel so good sometimes. The endorphins, the rush of dopamine and endocannabinoids — it feels so good. The goal-driven behavior, the creativeness — it all feels so good.

But it can get out of control fast. Posting things I normally wouldn’t on Facebook, long-winded and disconnected emails, talking rapidly and sometimes disjointedly, interrupting people. At the time of my mania, I cannot always recognize that I’m crossing boundaries or making people feel uncomfortable. Other times, however, I can see looks of fear and confusion, and realize I’m doing something wrong. Recognizing those looks is one thing that helps me cope with the mania.

I haven’t had a full-blown manic episode in over ten years, but a couple weeks ago I did. These manic episodes feel especially good after a period of depression. When I’m depressed and I move into a manic episode, I have energy for things I did not before. Playing with my kids, doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, writing, and running can all seem insurmountable during a depressive phase.

Then, a manic episode comes along and life feels easier, but there are some problems. Mania makes it hard to focus. I sometimes start cleaning a bathroom, then stop halfway and start doing laundry. Next, I forget about the bathroom and the laundry and start cleaning the kitchen. After a few hours, I have a bunch of incomplete tasks with nothing finished.

One way I try to cope with both mania and depression is making lists. I think it annoys Laura a bit to have Post-Its all over the counters with my to-do lists scribbled on them. It honestly annoys me a bit as well. Besides, when I’m depressed it’s likely that I won’t get to more than a couple things and spend most of my days lying on the couch or in bed. When I’m manic those things often get done partially as I flit and flat from one thing to another without focusing on any specific task. 

In the past, I’ve said that I’d rather be depressed than manic. Lying in my bed or on my couch doesn’t bother anyone too much other than not getting anything done. When I’m having a mixed state of depression and hypomania, I’m also easier to deal with because although I have a lot of energy on the hypomanic side, the depressive side usually keeps me under control.

Laura often reminds me that I’m not going to feel depressed forever — that good times are going to come again, but for the past couple years I haven’t believed that. I thought it was going to be normal to rarely want to do anything fun with my family or my friends. I’ll go several weeks feeling balanced, productive, and connected to my family, but there have been a lot of times when everyday tasks like cleaning or playing with my kids have felt very difficult.

I hope this latest manic episode will be the last, but if it isn’t I hope to be able to employ even more coping skills to cope with the manic symptoms.

I also hope to find a healthy balance and stay in a state productiveness and connection.

Be well.

Mood Swings

One of the most bothersome parts of bipolar is the mood swings. Last week I couldn't get myself to do hardly anything. I even wanted to skip a trip to Whitetail Woods Regional Park. I spent a lot of time laying around on the couch, not playing with my kids or doing any chores. I was in bed for close to ten hours a couple days and it took me thirty minutes to pack to lunches and make breakfast — a chore that should take ten minutes.

Then, I swung the other way. When I feel depressed, everything — work, taking care of the kids, taking a shower — all seem overwhelming. But today, I've swung the other way. I slept about four hours last night and don't feel a bit tired. I'm wanting to talk to people constantly, and I flit and flat from one task to the next.

I've talked to my therapist about these manic episodes, and she recommended harnessing that energy into productive tasks — especially creative ones. So, I'm writing some blog posts and might work on a young adult novel whose second draft I've never go through. I'm also getting cleaning done that I wouldn't normally do.

Thanks to everyone who supports me during these rough spells. Those who listen to my rambling conversation, those who let my wife know I'm struggling to be coherent, and especially thank you to my beautiful wife, Laura, who supports me through these mood swings.

Be well.

Hospital Anniversary: Don't Feel Bad for Me

Year seven of being hospital-free. It's a big milestone, and I've been blessed to stay well enough to not be hospitalized. There is something I want to address: pity.

It's a common phrase: don't feel bad for me. I understand where it's coming from. Some people just don't want anyone to feel pity for them. But, some people constantly want other people to feel bad for them. Neither one of these ends of the pity spectrum are healthy.

If one is constantly saying they don't want anyone to feel bad for them, they may miss out on sympathy and support that can feel good. If one is constantly trying to make others feel bad for them, they may wear out their friends and loved ones.

Having a mental illness sometimes makes this issue tricky for me. On the one hand, I don't want people worrying about me, so sometimes I don't let people know when I'm having a hard time. On the other, I don't want to wear out my friends and family by constantly telling them about my symptoms.

As I've gone through depressive, manic/hypomanic, and mixed state phases, there are things I've done and said that I wouldn't normally when I'm balanced. Same goes for meeting expectations and obligations.

For example, when I was a confirmation mentor at our church, a couple different times I asked a parent to chaperone a trip rather than doing it myself because I was feeling symptomatic.

I want to do better. I'd like to do a better job at meeting expectations and not saying thoughtless things just because I'm cycling.

It's nice to be able to have this blog as an outlet for describing what I'm going through. Thank you to all my readers and especially to my friends and family who have stuck by me when I've done and said things out of character. I am truly blessed with a wonderful support system, and I know not everyone with mental illness can say that.

So again, thank you readers for giving me that outlet, and thanks to family and friends who have loved and supported me. I am truly blessed.

I Am Not Bipolar

I am not bipolar. That’s right: I’m not bipolar. If you know me well and you’re feeling a little anxiety about that statement — perhaps you're worried I've stopped taking my medication — stay with me for a moment.

For years, and even in the not-too-distant past, if someone would have asked me, “are you bipolar?” I would have said, “yes.”

Now, however, my answer would be, “no.”

The thing is, I’m not bipolar. I have bipolar.

Consider another example: a person with diabetes. They’re not a diabetic. They are a person with diabetes. What’s the difference? 

Well, if one is a diabetic than that is who they are. She or he is defined by his or her body’s deficiency in processing sugar. Instead of being defined as a mother, a caring friend, a painter, or a volunteer, instead she or he becomes defined by meals, medications, and disease management.

In much the same way, I don’t want to say I’m bipolar. Rather, I’d like to say I have bipolar. In, “Preventing Bipolar Relapse,” by Ruth White, what she had to say on this matter really hit home for me. She writes, “Bipolar is not who you are — it is an illness you have. There is more to you than an illness of the brain.”

By thinking about bipolar as something that I have rather than something that I am, I feel more in control. Bipolar is something I can manage, not something I am. Instead, I can define myself in more self-effacing ways: Christian, father, husband, teacher, blogger, and friend to name a few.

So thank you to everyone in my life who's helped define me on things other than my illness.

Be well.

Coping Skills: Audiobooks, Podcasts, and Music

In my last post, I wrote about how I was dealing with some anxiety and some strategies I've used to get through it. One thing I didn't write about was how I've also used listening to books and podcasts to improve my mental health.

I know there's some debate out there about having earbuds on when you run, so I'll touch on that briefly. First, it's a safety thing. If you run with earbuds, you should either run with one out or run with the bone conduction earphones that leave the ears uncovered. It's not safe to run outside when you can't hear things like cars or bikes that may crash into you.

Other than the safety issue, there's the issue of not being mindful of your run. You may have trouble with pace, especially while listening to music. An upbeat song may cause you to run too fast. Also, by listening to something while you run, you may also may also miss out on the meandering stream of consciousness that can sometimes help you process your thoughts and work through problems.

That said, the issue I sometimes deal with when I'm in a more depressive, manic, or anxious state is a difficulty controlling my thoughts. I'll worry, ruminate, regret, and have arguments in my head (I often come up with the perfect thing to say ten years after an argument).

When I'm having trouble controlling my thoughts, listening to a book or a podcast while I run helps get me out of my own head. While running usually helps me break the cycle or rumination and worry, sometimes that time alone with my thoughts can be filled with negativity.

So, in order to to keep my mind from wandering to negative thoughts, I often listen to an audiobook or podcast while I run. Music might help too, although I find my mind wanders more when listening to music. I'd say that I'm about 50/50 on whether I'm going to listen to something or not when I run. Sometimes I listen just because I enjoy it, but I listen more when I'm having trouble controlling my thoughts and less when I'm in a good place emotionally.

Besides runs, I also often listen to books or podcasts while cleaning. It's sometimes hard to get motivated for chores, especially when I'm feeling depressed, and listening to something helps me complete a task by focusing my mind on something I enjoy rather than a mundane task.

If you're having trouble with negative thoughts, I'd encourage you to give podcasts or audiobooks a try. They might help you take your mind away from your negative thoughts and into something you pleasantly distracting.

Improving the Moment Part 2

In my last post I wrote about four ways from IMPROVE I use to cope with anxiety through the DBT skills of improve. For reference, the DBT acronym for IMPROVE stands for:

• Imagery
• Meaning
• Prayer
• Relaxation
• One thing in the moment
• Vacation
• Encouragement

For more detail on how this works, take a look at the article, "How to IMPROVE the Moment" from the Mindsoother website. I've covered the first four of these techniques, so this post will focus on the last three.

Using the one thing in the moment technique, one focuses the mind on one thing. When I'm feeling acute anxiety, it can become difficult to get anything done because my mind bounces from worry to worry and regret to regret. By focusing on one thing in the moment, I try to put those things aside and become involved in the task at hand. This can be as simple as focusing on the physical sensations of a run—my feet hitting the ground, my breath, the visuals of the scenery as I move. Or, I can focus on mundane tasks such as washing dishes and being mindful of the warm, soapy water on my skin rather than letting my mind wander to negative thoughts.

Using the vacation technique, one takes a "vacation" from a regular routine. This could be taking a break to read a book, calling or meeting a friend, or watching a TV show. These "vacations" can help take the focus away from negative thoughts to enjoyable experiences.

The last technique is encouragement. One can use encouragement to tell oneself that the stress being experienced is temporary, and that one is doing the best she or he can to cope with that stress. I try to use this technique by telling myself I am doing the best I can to deal with the stress I'm feeling, and with continued practice of the skills I've learned, my situation will improve.

Even if you don't have a mental illness, these techniques can help manage stress and reduce anxiety. Give them a try and see if they help improve your mood.

Improving the Moment

In my last post, I wrote about some ways I combat anxiety through mantras. Another way I use to cope with anxiety comes from DBT. The acronym IMPROVE provides a list of ways to improve depression and anxiety in the moment. IMPROVE stands for:

• I: Imagery
• M: Meaning
• P: Prayer
• R: Relaxation
• O: One Thing in the Moment
• V: Vacation
• E: Encouragement

To find out more about each, check out the article on the Mindsoother website, "How to Improve the Moment." In this post, I'll focus on imagery, meaning, and prayer.

Imagery involves imagining a situation that's better than the current situation. It can be an idealized future situation where things work out well. It could also be a past situation where life circumstances were positive. Using imagery has worked for me at times because I tend to think about negative experiences in the past or worry about what could go wrong in the future.

Meaning is about recognizing values and/or looking at past circumstances to tap into the meaning that can be learned from them. Using meaning has helped me think about what I can learn from past difficult situations as well as how I can apply my values to my current situation to turn it into an outcome I can improve.

Prayer lets one submit to the will of a higher power and helps one realize her or his own helplessness. As a Christian, it is helpful to me to know that Jesus went through every human experience and emotion that I do, so that God understands our suffering. At times I've struggled with my belief in God, especially because there's so much suffering in the world. I've heard and learned that there are just no easy answers, and that disbelieving in God will not make that suffering go away.

Relaxation is self-explanatory, but I'll explain it anyway. One can use a variety of ways to relax—meditation, progressive relaxation, listening to music, etc. The key is to find something that works. Sometimes my difficulties with relaxation stem from being anxious enough that I can't find something to relax as my mind continues to wander back to my worries. I'm now going to try harder to practice relaxation techniques when I'm not as anxious, so that when I am I'll be more likely to be successful.

Up next will be the rest of the IMPROVE techniques for coping with depression and anxiety. Thanks for reading.

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Staying in the Moment: Mental Health

Back a few years ago, after a stint in the hospital for depression, I took a class on DBT. DBT, dialectic behavioral therapy, teaches skills to change thoughts and behaviors through mindfulness, support, and challenging ineffective thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs.

There is a ton of information about DBT on the web, and I've also written some posts about it which you can read with this link: DBT. You can also read a good summary on DBT at PsychCentral's website in the article, "An Overview of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy."

A while back, I pulled out my materials for the class because I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. In my case, anxiety comes in several forms. When I was working full-time, it often came because I felt I couldn't finish the work I needed to, or I was worried I was doing a bad job.

I also experience anxiety about what people think of me. In general, I'm OK with who I am as a person and realize that people are going to think and say about me what they will, and there's nothing I can do about it. When I'm going through an anxious phase, however, I'll often wonder what people think of me, especially if I perceive I've done or said something to offend them.

Anxiety also causes me to ruminate on past issues or mistakes, making me want to go back and change things. I can slip into depression when I let my thoughts continue to focus on past mistakes.

Finally, I sometimes feel anxious about the future. I think everyone spends time thinking about the future, and it's not all bad. It's good to plan and think ahead about situations one may face. The negative comes when one worries about all the things that could go wrong in the future.

The thing that helped pull me out of my recent anxious patch was focusing on being in the moment along with using mantras to challenge my worry thoughts.

To be more in the moment (mindful), I focus on several DBT skills on mindfulness and distress tolerance. I use my senses to try to pull myself out of my head and focus on my five senses. For example: If I'm washing the dishes and worry thoughts start to creep in, I describe in my mind what the bubbles look like, the physical sensations of the water, the washcloth, and the dishing. I think of the smell of the soap and the sound of running water. By shifting my attention, it helps me leave aside my worry thoughts.

The other skill I use for anxiety is mantras. I've got three that I use—two from my therapist and one from my wife. My go-to mantra is, "You've learned as much as you can from that mistake." The other two are, "Don't try to improve the past," and, "No one else is thinking about this."

So, when I'm thinking of a mistake, instead of ruminating on it and feeling guilty about it, I think, "I've learned all I can from that mistake," and try to dismiss the thought. Similarly, when I've made a bad decision and wish I could change it, I think, "Don't try to improve the past."

When I'm feeling bad about something I've done or said to someone in the distant past, I say to myself, "No one else is thinking about this." This one's a little tougher for me since I don't know that for sure, but it's more than likely that if I've done something to offend someone a long time ago, they're probably over it. If not, there's nothing I can do about it anyway.

It's been nice to be feeling better and past this patch of anxiety. I know that with my illnesses, bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, I'll be dealing with patches of anxiety for the rest of my life, but it feels like I'm more able to cope with these patches each time they happen.

Stay well.

DBT - Distress Tolerance - Part 2

Life will always deal difficult circumstances. It's part of the human experience. While some people deal with more difficult circumstances than others, everyone will have to deal with uncomfortable, if not tragic, situations. While these DBT skills can help those struggling with mental health issues or mental illness, they are also helpful to maintain mental health in general.

In my last post on distress tolerance, I wrote about dealing with difficult situations using radical acceptance. In this post I want to share in a little more detail how I use radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance means taking a look at a past event or current situation and deciding what to do about it. Rather than allowing the situation to consume you and lead to anxiety or depression, there are strategies to cope and deal with that event or situation without emotional turmoil.

As I touched on in the previous post on distress tolerance, the first part is accepting the situation for what it is. Then, it is accepting the emotions that go along with that situation. Finally, it is accepting that life will be OK, even with the painful situation.

It is hard for me to practice radical acceptance when feeling depressed. Instead of being able to accept a past mistake, I tend to ruminate and focus on that mistake with regret, which leads to more feelings of depression.

It's good to practice radical acceptance when I'm feeling balanced because then it's easier to accept a past event or mistake and realize that the only thing I can do is learn from that past event or mistake and that beating myself up or feeling depressed about it isn't going to help me. By practicing radical acceptance when I'm not experiencing bipolar symptoms, it helps me be more effective at it when I am dealing with anxiety, depression, or hypomania.

A big piece of radical acceptance is telling oneself that life can still be good despite a past painful event. Past events do not have to become self-defining. Though I had to leave two different jobs abruptly because of acute bipolar symptoms, I don't need to label myself a quitter. Instead, I can accept what happened and tell myself that even though those weren't ideal circumstances, I have a job now and am better prepared to stop or reduce bipolar symptoms that could lead me to miss work. Rather than focus on the past, I can enjoy the things that are good in my life, of which are many.

My next post will be my last post on distress tolerance.

Until next time.

DBT - Distress Tolerance - Part 1

In my last post, I wrote about how using DBT, specifically mindfulness skills, helped me through a rough patch of bipolar symptoms. The skill sets of DBT include mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. In my last post, I wrote about how I used mindfulness  skills to cope with symptoms from bipolar and how those skills can help keep one mentally healthy in general.

Distress tolerance skills were also helpful in getting me through my last rough patch of bipolar symptoms. Distress tolerance skills are similar to mindfulness skills in that many of the skills help one focus in the present rather than fretting about the future or feeling depressed about the past. I’ll spend a couple posts on distress tolerance as there are a lot of skills and several were helpful to me in getting through my last rough patch.

The main distress tolerance skills my therapist had me work on was radical acceptance. Radical acceptance means accepting the world and the moment exactly how it is in that moment. In my post on mindfulness, I wrote about using the observe and describe skills to recognize memories and emotions that may be painful. Using radical acceptance, I work on experiencing the moment, no matter how uncomfortable, and accepting that moment for how it is, without denial and without judgment.

By accepting the situation or emotion without denying it, I’m more able to effectively deal with it. Denial of a situation or an emotion does not get rid of it. By pretending a situation or emotion is not there, it merely prolongs the situation or emotion because one has no opportunity to deal with them.

Radical acceptance was helpful to me as I went through my last bout of bipolar symptoms. When I get into a cycle of symptoms, I can start to feel out of control and begin to worry that I’ll continue spiraling and end up in really bad shape, possibly landing in the hospital. By using radical acceptance, I can stay in the current moment and focus on that moment alone rather than worrying about what may happen in the future.

Using radical acceptance does not mean you have to shrug, say, “it is what it is,” and leave the situation at that. Instead, one can still radically accept something and still work to improve or learn from the situation.

In my next post I'll write more about how to get through difficult moments—both by exploring radical acceptance in more depth and by using other skills and strategies.

DBT - Mindfulness

About a month ago, I wrote about how I was using DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) to help get me through a rough patch. I’m happy to report that since that post I’ve started to feel better, and I attribute at least part of that improvement to working on DBT skills. If one doesn’t have anxiety or depression,  DBT skills can still be useful for improving mental health in general.

The first category of skills I’ve been working on is mindfulness. Using mindfulness helps get me out of my head and focus on the current moment rather than ruminating on past mistakes or worrying about the future.

The three specific skills I’ve been working on are, “Observe: just notice,” “Describe: put into words,” and, “Nonjudgmental stance.”

When I talked to my therapist, I mentioned how my mind would often wander to past mistakes I’d made and how those thoughts led me to feelings of guilt, which in turn contributed to my depression.  Also, I was spending time worrying about future events, which was aggravating my anxiety.

So, she suggested using the observe skill and the describe skill along with the nonjudgmental stance to deal with the thoughts and emotions. 

Using the observe skill, rather than trying to counteract worry or the thought of a past mistake, I just notice it. I see that it’s there, then use my next skill, describe. I describe the thought in my head along with the feeling it elicits. In this way, I separate myself from the thought and emotion. The thought and emotion are simply there—they are not me. I then employ the nonjudgmental stance, which means I look at the thought and emotion and without judging them. In this way, I don’t let the emotion affect me further. Instead, I merely acknowledge it and not worry about when the thought and emotion will leave.

I can’t say these skills in mindfulness work every time. There are still moments were I succumb to guilt or anxiety, but putting these skills into practice definitely helps.

In a future post, I’ll write about some other skills I’ve been using that helped get me through that rough patch. 

Thanks for reading.

Coping with Mental Illness - DBT

In my last post, I wrote about how I was dealing with a mixed state—a combination of hypomania and depression. While the manic side of the mixed stated is more prevalent, the depressive side is also bothersome. I hate how the manic side keeps me from focusing, pushes me to do or say things I wouldn’t normally, and makes it difficult to sleep. But I also hate how the depressive side saps my energy, makes me sad with little provocation, and has me feeling guilty about any past mistake that crosses my memory.

Last week, I went to see my therapist. I talked to her about what was going on and asked her what DBT skills I should work on. Several years ago, after a hospitalization for depression, I attended a six week class on dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT. DBT includes four different skill areas including interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and mindfulness. I talked to my therapist about my problems, and she suggested several skills to work on. These skills have been helpful and have definitely improved my mood and increased my effectiveness. 

In some future posts, I’m going to share some of the skills I’ve been working on and how those skills have helped. If you want to read about the types of DBT skills, you can browse the “Skills Lessons” from the website, “DBT Self Help.”

I’m working on skills in three sf the four categories in DBT: mindfulness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance. Since I’m not dealing with any interpersonal issues, I’m not working on any skills in interpersonal effectiveness. Working on these skills has helped me get through this latest episode, and I really feel like I’ve turned a corner and am almost back to “normal.”

Thanks for reading.

Mania and Depression

The last couple weeks have been somewhat challenging but manageable. I’ve been dealing with some hypomania and mixed states. Hypomania is marked by an elevated mood, increased goal-driven behavior, and increased gregariousnes among other symptoms. It is not as severe as mania. A mixed state includes symptoms of both mania/hypomania and depression.

I usually notice something is wrong when I start sleeping poorly. Symptoms of hypomania include a decreased need for sleep and sleep difficulties. During most hypomanic episodes, I have difficulties falling or staying asleep. Thankfully, during this episode my sleep hasn’t been great, but I’ve only had one night that I slept less than six hours. 

Having sleep problems used to really bother me because I thought my poor sleep was making me manic. And though poor sleep can aggravate or cause bipolar symptoms, the doctor that manages my medications told me it’s more likely that the hypomania is causing the poor sleep and not the other way around. By thinking about the poor sleep as a symptom rather than a cause of hypomania, it helps me relax a little more about my sleep and not stress out about it, making it even more difficult to sleep.

For the last couple weeks I’ve been in a predominately mixed state with hypomania being most prominent. I have moments where I want to seek out conversation or do all the talking in a conversation. Thankfully, after going through bipolar cycles for years, I’ve been able to cope with these symptoms better than I used to. I try hard to say to myself, “Do I really need to talk to this person right now? Is this the best time to talk to her or him?” Then, when I’m having a conversation, I try to focus on listening and asking questions rather than thinking about what I want to say.

And while the hypomania can be bothersome, I’m sometimes able to focus enough that I can harness some of that energy and get more done than I normally would. Unfortunately, when I’m in a mixed state, I also fall into a depressed mood, which makes it hard to get anything done and generally has me wanting to do nothing but sit back in my recliner and do nothing.

While dealing with my latest mixed state hasn’t been fun, it has given me the motivation to go over some of my DBT skills and to use those skills to help get through it. In some later posts I might write about which DBT skills I’ve been working on and how they’ve been helping me through this episode.

Thanks for reading.

Overwhelmed - Visits in the Hospital

By my most recent count, I've now been hospitalized for mental health issues six times since 1998 – a little over once every 3.5 years.

I hate the hospital. It can be scary, the furniture is usually uncomfortable, and hospital staff checking on me every half hour during the night makes it difficult to sleep.

But the thing that really bothered kme in the hospital was the boredom. There are therapy sessions and activities, but during a lot of the day, nothing is scheduled. That means filling the time with conversation (which is hard to sustain with strangers whom the only thing you have in common is being in the hospital for mental illness, but I have had some good conversation with a few other patients), TV, reading, and games. After a few days in the hospital, all those things seem rather boring.

One thing I've been overwhelmed by is the amount of visitors I've had during my stays in the hospital. Friends and family have dropped by to hang out, bring me things to do and treats to eat, and just spend time with me. Phone calls were also a welcome break from the monotony.

I've been so blessed that I've rarely had to spend more than a couple of days in the hospital without company or a call from the outside world. Without that company, the hospital would have definitely been less bearable, and I’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of support I’ve received while in the hospital.

So, thank you to all those who have visited or called me while I was in the hospital. It really helped.

Understanding and Support

I’ve received a lot of support when I’ve been hospitalized and in the immediate aftermath. In the past, leaving the hospital has been a challenge. Assimilating back into a regular routine and getting back to coping with the regular stressors that come with life are not always easy.

Besides that, I’ve felt embarrassed about going to the hospital both for being there and for how I was acting immediately before the hospital. When manic, I’ve done things and said things that I really wish I hadn’t, and it’s been hard to to tell myself those things were mostly out of my control due to my illness. I’ve also been embarrassed simply because of the fact that I’m bipolar, and didn’t want people to judge me, put me in a box, expect me to act a certain way, or be uncomfortable around me.

Thankfully, I’ve received a lot of support from friends and family when I’ve left the hospital. I wrote before about how I’ve appreciated people just spending time with me and not trying to pry into what happened or how I’m feeling, but there have also been times when people have said exactly what I needed hear.

After my first trip to the hospital because of a manic episode, I was really embarrassed upon leaving the hospital. I didn’t want to tell anyone I was bipolar or that I had to take medication. Soon after I was out of the hospital, however,  two friends said just the right things to make me feel better.

One friend and I were sitting in the cafeteria when for some reason I told her about how I had to take medication and wasn’t happy about it. “It’s OK,” she said. “I have to take medications too.” She went on to tell me about a medical condition she had. “Some people have to take medication,” she said. “It’s not a big deal.”

Later, I was talking to another friend. I don’t know how it came up, but I told her I was bipolar. “I don’t really want people to know,” I said. “I’m afraid they wouldn’t want to be my friends anymore or that they’d think of me differently.”

“If they’re your friends, why would they stop being your friends or think of you differently?” she said. “If they’re really your friends, they’ll keep being your friends.

It retrospect, both of my friends were simply sharing truths with me, but at the time my embarrassment kept me from seeing things clearly. I’ve been so blessed with support and understanding that leaving the hospital has become less of a burden.

Thanks for reading

An Unintentional Kindness

In my last post, I wrote about my anniversary of staying out of the hospital and mentioned the support I've received from friends and family. In my next few posts, I wanted to share some stories of kindness shown to me when I've been in and out of the hospital.

Back in college I was hospitalized for the third time in eight years. There were many factors leading up to my hospitalization, but suffice to say I had severe depression.

After around a week in the hospital, I was discharged. My future sister-in-law picked me up and took me out to lunch before dropping me off at my car, and it was nice to have some normal conversation and time not eating hospital food (which was actually decent, but repetitive).

I wasn't 100% better, but after a medication adjustment and some skills classes, I was well enough to return to college. I was nervous though. Unfortunately, I still felt the stigma of being hospitalized for mental illness, and I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't know what to tell people, or at least how much to tell people.

At school, I met a couple of friends for lunch. We ate and chatted a little bit, and they didn't ask me anything about my mental illness or hospitalization. I didn't want to talk about it, and I was grateful they didn't ask me.

A couple days later, I said to my friend, "Thank you for just sitting with me and eating lunch. I appreciated not having to talk about the hospital."

"Well," he said, "I think most of it was that we didn't know what to say."

There's wisdom in that. It's OK to not know what to say. There's comfort in silence and simply having company. Sometimes, just being with someone is enough.

So know that it's OK to just be with someone who's hurting, whether physically or emotionally. Let them initiate discussion. If you call, it's nice to hear, "I'm thinking about you. If there's anything I can do, please tell me.”

Kindness, whether intentional or not, makes a difference. There have been many times when I've been in a hard place emotionally, and a kind word or action lifts me up. Don't let not knowing what to say or do stop you from sharing kindness.

Hospital Anniversary

This year my anniversary of staying out of the hospital came and went without much of a notice from me.  In fact, it is actually my two year and one month anniversary. My one-year anniversary seemed like a bigger milestone, but while it doesn't feel like as big of a deal this year, it's still a good feeling to have been healthy enough to stay out of the hospital.

I've had a couple episodes of mild to moderate mania and depression in the past year, but none of them has been severe and none of them have lasted too long.

I've been fortunate to be on medications that work, and other than sleeping more than I'd like and having a bigger appetite than I'd like, the side effects haven't been too bad.

I'd like to thank all my friends and family who've been supportive of me through my highs and lows. The support of loved ones has definitely made it easier to cope with bipolar symptoms and has helped me continue to stay well.

Running for Mental Health

Around a month ago I started feeling mildly manic (hypomanic). Before that, I hadn't had a hypomanic episode since August. That episode was very short and pretty mild, and a medication change knocked it out quickly.

However, the medication change—an increase in a drug for mania—left me exhausted in the mornings and made it hard to get out of bed. Eventually I was able to decrease the medication, and things were going well (though the exhaustion stayed) until I flew out to Washington D.C. for my late uncle's memorial service. It was a late flight and I didn't get great sleep the two nights I was there. After I got back from the trip, I started feeling hypomanic for a couple days.

Then, I moved into a mixed state. A mixed state is where symptoms of both mania and depression are present at the same time or close to each other. For me that meant feelings of extra energy, restlessness, and anxiety on some days or parts of days, and lethargy, sadness, and regretful feelings the rest of the time.

Though the mixed state wasn't unmanageable, it did make things difficult. Everything from chores to going for a run felt like a huge effort when I was depressed, and when I was hypomanic, I could hardly sit still.

I've been feeling much better now besides still being exhausted in the morning, and one big factor has been running. About three days into my mixed state episode, I was sitting in my recliner, trying to decide to go for a run. I was feeling depressed, and the effort of a going for a run seemed insurmountable.

But, I decided to force myself out of my comfy chair and get going. I told myself I'd run thirty minutes—a simple out-and-back. It was shorter than I usually run, but it seemed manageable.

As I approached the fifteen minute mark, I discovered something—I was feeling better. My motivation was higher, I wasn't feeling lethargic, and I was enjoying myself. So, I decided I'd run for forty minutes rather than thirty.

The mood-boosting effect didn't stop after my run. I felt better the rest of the day, and the day after I did a fifteen mile run.

The boost I get from running doesn't happen all the time, and it doesn't always last for an entire day or more, but in this case forcing myself to run was worth it for the mood boost, even though it wasn’t not a permanent solution to a mixed state.

Last December I had a manic cycle that lasted a couple weeks, and this year it was only hypomania followed by a mixed state, and the duration was shorter. Though I'm still experiencing some depression, I'm feeling much better and have been able to decrease a medication after a visit with my nurse practitioner.

On a later post, I'll write about some information about exercise and depression.

Thanks for reading.

Improving Mental Health: Heaven's Reward Fallacy

This post is part of a series about cognitive distortions I've dealt with and how changing them helps improve my mental health. Of the sixteen most common cognitive distortions (read: Cognitive Distortions: When Your Brain Lies to You to see all sixteen), I'll be writing on the handful of distortions that have been most helpful for me to tackle.

One common cognitive distortion that everyone succumbs to from time to time is the Heaven's Reward Fallacy. The PositivePsychologyProgram website writes the following about the Heaven's Reward Fallacy:

This distortion is a popular one, particularly with the myriad examples of this fallacy playing out on big and small screens across the world. The “Heaven’s Reward Fallacy” manifests as a belief that one’s struggles, one’s suffering, and one’s hard work will result in a just reward. It is obvious why this type of thinking is a distortion – how many examples can you think of, just within the realm of your personal acquaintances, where hard work and sacrifice did not pay off? Sometimes no matter how hard we work or how much we sacrifice, we will not achieve what we hope to achieve. To think otherwise is a potentially damaging pattern of thought that can result in disappointment, frustration, anger, and even depression when the awaited reward does not materialize.

It's easy at times to feel like we're not getting what we deserve. Why didn't I get that promotion at work when I worked so hard? Why doesn't this person want to date me when I've worked so hard at being his friend?

The best way I can think of in combating this cognitive distortion is to simply take things as they come. Realize that sometimes people get what they deserve and sometimes they do not. Realize that your hard work and sacrifices may not result in a reward. Don't see yourself as "deserving" something, but instead appreciate the positive things that come your way, and don't feel resentful when you feel like you're not getting rewarded in the way you feel you deserve.

This is the last of my series on cognitive distortions. If you're interested in reading the entire series, you can do so by going to the following link: Cognitive Distortions.

Thanks for reading.

Improving Mental Health: Always Being Right

This post is part of a series about cognitive distortions I've dealt with and how changing them helps improve my mental health. Of the sixteen most common cognitive distortions (read: Cognitive Distortions: When Your Brain Lies to You to see all sixteen), I'll be writing on the handful of distortions that have been most helpful for me to tackle.

A common cognitive distortion is Always Being Right. The PositivePsychologyProgram website says the following about Always Being Right:

Perfectionists and those struggling with Imposter Syndrome will recognize this distortion – it is the belief that we must always be right, correct, or accurate. With this distortion, the idea that we could be wrong is absolutely unacceptable, and we will fight to the metaphorical death to prove that we are right. For example, the internet commenters who spend hours arguing with each other over an opinion or political issue far beyond the point where reasonable individuals would conclude that they should “agree to disagree” are engaging in the “Always Being Right” distortion. To them, it is not simply a matter of a difference of opinion, it is an intellectual battle that must be won at all costs.

This cognitive distortion affects my mental health indirectly. I rarely engage in political discussions on social media for a couple reasons. First, my Facebook friends generally fall into two categories: those I agree with politically and those I don't. I don't see a lot of in between, so any political discussion I get into is either argumentative or falls into an echo chamber, and when there's so little chance anyone's mind is going to be changed, it's just not worth it. Secondly, it just makes me anxious. I generally don't like getting into arguments with friends and family, and in that regard it doesn't really matter who's right.

So, spending time trying to prove I'm right is neither productive nor good for my mental health. Also, it's healthy to look at one's own opinions and beliefs and not be afraid to change them when there is information to the contrary.

Thanks for reading.