Obsessive Thoughts - Part 1

Do you ever get really obsessed with something? I wager that everyone gets obsessed with something or someone at some point in their lives.

Obsessions are not always all bad. If you become obsessed with cleaning your kitchen perfectly, you may get it very clean. However, if you are so obsessed you can't get out of the house on time or to bed on time because you feel your kitchen has to be perfect — that's a problem.

Obsessive thoughts are a feature of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and can also manifest in generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Obsessive thoughts can also lead to compulsive behaviors like worrying about the door being locked so much that one has to lock it several times to relieve the obsessive thought.

In cases where feelings of shame or guilt are centered around compulsive thoughts, trying to "not" think the thoughts can actually make the obsession worse. This is due to a quirk in brain chemistry. By trying "not" to think the thought, it makes one's brain more aware of the thought and in turn makes it continue to think the thought.

When I'm feeling depressed/anxious, I often obsess over incidents of past mistakes and become overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame.

There are many ways to treat obsessive thoughts. For a detailed article, I recommend: How to Stop Obsessive Thoughts from CalmClinic.

That's all for now. Look for my next post on obsessions soon.

Mania Decision Tree

As I've gotten older and become more self-aware about my bipolar disorder, I've become better at managing my hypomanic symptoms.

When I start to become hypomanic, there are a variety of symptoms, some of which can be helpful. Helpful symptoms include increased energy and creativity, goal driven behavior, and gregariousness. Unfortunately, these helpful symptoms can also go too far and get out of hand.

With the increased energy, I can work out too much which both saps time and can lead to injury. Goal driven behavior sometimes has me overextend myself, and I start projects I don't finish and put too much on my plate for the day.

Gregariousness is the worst to deal with as I continue to become more hypomanic. While I can sometimes be funny and engaging, my gregariousness makes me try to dominate conversations, joke around when others aren't in the mood, or try to strike up conversations with strangers.

With each of the symptoms, I try my best to use my Mania Decision Tree.

To deal with high energy and goal-driven behaviors, I ask myself questions like: Is this something I would do if I wasn't manic? Is this useful? Do I have time for this?

To deal with gregariousness, I have a few questions I ask myself. Questions include: Do other people seem like they’re in the mood to joke around? Is saying this really necessary? Am I talking more than everyone else? Could I ask more questions rather than talking about myself?

Medications and behavior management have been a godsend for me, but medications can stop working and things can spiral out of control. When medications aren't working perfectly, it's been helpful to stop and ask myself questions to cope with my symptoms. 

Stay well.

Home Update

I just checked and it's been three months since I did a home update. It was pretty wintery then, and it's pretty summery now, so I'll try to fill in the gap since February.

As you see from above, we've returned to the zoo. Going to the zoo is a nice break from the house. I like to be moving, and watching the kiddos enjoying viewing the animals is entertaining. 

We've gone to the zoo a few times since February. Big brother walked between a couple and several miles in our two hour visits. Little sister enjoys riding in her stroller, getting out to wave at animals, saying, "neigh, neigh," to anything that looks vaguely like a horse, and saying, "puppy," to anything that doesn't look too much like a horse.

Our church put on a socially distanced Easter egg hunt at the end of March. They also did a nice job of talking about Easter and what it means that Jesus is alive.

We've been doing online church now for over a year, and we're looking forward to going to outdoor services soon.

The sand table has been a big hit with the kids and neighbors. Big brother has a neighborhood friend he really likes to play with, so he always wants to go outside when he sees the neighbor outside. I'm glad there are lots if kids in the neighborhood for him to play with.

We did something with friends without masks for the first time in a year. With the four of us fully vaccinated, we got dinner and attended a drive up benefit.

There are so many pictures I could share thanks to my amazing wife, but picking more is overwhelming me, so I'll end with a little prose you can take or leave:

It's such a blessing to be home with the littlest one all week and adding her brother on one or two of those days. I have had some challenges with some bipolar symptoms, but I've been fortunate to have extended family come and help me with the kids while I get some projects done, run errands, and do something relaxing like running.

Thank you to all for your words and thoughts of support.

Stay well.

Monthly Goals

In my previous post, I wrote about how my yearly goals were going and mentioned how my monthly goals haven’t been going as well.

I started off on the right foot with January and ate three servings of vegetables a day the entire month. I was able to roll that goal into February, March, and now April.

February and March didn’t go as well. The goal for February was one snack per day and I hit that goal around four out of twenty-eight days. 

March’s goal was two sweets per week or fewer, and that also didn’t go as well. I think I maybe made it one week without sweets

Although my February and March goals were a bust, I did get down to race weight, which sets me up for April’s goal of maintaining race weight. As of this writing, I've been at or under race weight since the end of March.

Even though I missed February and March's goals, I'm going to retroactively incorporate them in to the rest of this year, with one modification.

For the snack goal, instead of one snack per day, I'm going with one snack on days when I work out for fewer than 45 minutes. For awhile while I was working on my weight, I was losing a little more weight than I needed to, so a couple snacks on days when I work out over 45 minutes isn't going to break the bank.

As far as the sweets goal goes, I'm rededicating myself to two sweets per week. And that means two sweets, not a free-for-all on days when I'm eating sweets. To make myself more likely to be successful, I'm going to plan out my treats and look forward to them rather than putting myself in a deprivation mindset.

Initially I was tempted to tell myself I'd just take a couple days off per week from sweets, but this feels better. 

Eleven more days of April and I'm off to the next goal.

Stay well.

Goal Update

Every year for the past decade or so, I've set goals for the year. I did the same this year, but I also added some monthly goals. The yearly goals have been going great. The monthly goals — well, not so much. Here's an update on the yearly goals:

1. Run 1,400 miles: I don't want to jinx this one, but it's been going better than I would have thought, especially considering a foot injury last November that slowed me down at the beginning of the year. If I continue running at the rate I've done for the first three months of the year, I'll be over 1,750 miles by the end of the year.

2. Break 18:15 in the 5K: Last year my goal was to break 18 minutes, and from July through October, I couldn't get it done. I came agonizingly close with an 18:02, which happened to be my last attempt of the year. Being a year older this year and imagining I wouldn't been training quite as hard, I thought 18:15 would be a stretch, but doable. Imagine my surprise when I ran 17:53 on my first try of the year. One goal accomplished before the end of March.

3. Run an in-person race: The running club I’m in, Run Minnesota, is putting on a 5K on Saturday, April 17. I’ll be there barring any unforeseen circumstances.

4. Finish a Marathon: If I can stay healthy, I'll either finish Milwaukee Lakefront Marathon or do a virtual marathon.

5. Average one-and-a-half hours of strength training per week: I've been averaging around two hours a week, so this one's going well and should be easy to complete since I can do strength training injured or not.

In my next post, I'll give an update on my monthly goals.

Running Update

This blog used to be exclusively about running, but over time it's become more personal and featured more posts about mental health.

I know some of my running-related readers have still stuck around, so I thought it was time to give an update on how my running is going.

Last November, we purchased a treadmill. It did wonders for my running over the winter months. With the pandemic going on, we felt better about not getting a gym membership, and having a treadmill made running indoors convenient — even more convenient than running at the gym. I did miss the indoor track, but the ease of running as a stay-at-home dad and squeezing workouts in during naptimes was great.

Once the warmer weather started, I began doing a lot of stroller runs. Most of them have been with the youngest, who's been awesome during stroller runs (she loves to look at puppies, and we make animal sounds together), but I've also done a handful with both of them. It's nice that they both tolerate, if not enjoy, jogging stroller rides. I think they find it relaxing as both of them have fallen asleep on occasion.

My spring mileage has been better than it's been in several years, and I'll touch on the numbers a bit in my next post.

I haven't been doing much in the way of structured workouts. In the winter I was doing one session a week of 3 X 30s all-out sprints three times (I read about the workout on a blog describing the workout as I way to maintain fitness). I also do a tempo run on occasion.

The most exciting thing that's happened to me during this early spring is breaking my goal time for the year in the 5K.

I was pretty happy with my first 5K of the year for several reasons. First off, I did the Eagan parkrun course, which was a tougher course than most of the courses I picked last year, including my best time of last year, 18:02, on a pancake flat course. The parkrun has a significant hill that shows up twice in the looped course.

The second thing was how early in the season this race was. I set a goal of running under 18:15 for the year, and I planned on having a legitimate shot at that goal in the fall.

Thirdly, I hadn't done any specific workouts for the 5K yet. I'd done a few fartleks and a handful of tempo runs, but no structured training plans.

The virtual race went very well. I started off at a semi-comfortable pace — I wasn't planning on going all-out in my first race of the year. I checked my pace at the half mile mark and saw that I was averaging 6:00 / mile. I was pretty happy with that as it would put me at a pretty decent time for my first 5K of the year.

I kept going comfortably hard without looking at my watch until just over the halfway point. When I looked down, I saw that I was averaging 5:47 / mile. I was pretty surprised. I wasn't feeling that tired, and if I kept up at that pace, I would easily meet my goal for the year.

In the back of my mind, I also thought that based on how I was feeling, it wouldn't be out of the question to break 18 minutes — a goal I couldn't hit all last year.

With a little less than a mile to go, my legs still felt fresh, so I started pushing the pace. I never felt overly tired and didn't even feel the burn I normally feel in my lungs and legs during a 5K, so I think had I started out just a bit harder at the start, I could have run 10 - 20 seconds faster.

I ended up finishing in 17:53 — a 5:45 / mile pace. Running that fast that early in the season and running faster than I could manage all last season despite more structured workouts and higher mileage left me to wonder how I did it.

The main reason was consistent mileage. After running my virtual marathon in November, while I took it easy in the couple weeks after, past that I kept running pretty consistently.

I also think that not doing structured workouts and running about 10 miles fewer per week that last fall when I was trying to break 18 minutes might have helped me, or at least come out in the wash as it left my legs pretty fresh compared to last year when I was training concurrently for a marathon.

Finally, I've also been doing more auxiliary running-related exercise than ever. I've been doing some work from Jay Johnson's website that was suggested to me by a cross country coach I've worked with, some Foundation Training work, and plyometrics. Not sure if they've made me faster or healthier, but they certainly haven't hurt as the only thing that's been bothering me is an over two-year-old chronic foot injury, and that only hurts when I'm at home barefoot.

The doctor I saw recommended I wear shoes in the house, so while that seems to be working, I'd still like the injury to go away completely.

Slop city on a long run where I thought a two
mile loop through Lebanon Hills would be
a good idea

Thanks for reading my long-winded running update.

Stay well.

One Year Ago

One year ago my life changed more drastically than ever. Laura had just finished maternity leave, and the pandemic had just hit. Our plan had been to send our littlest to daycare three days a week while I worked as a substitute teacher those three days and be home with the littlest one day and both the other day.

I know I'm not the only one who had major life changes in the last year. Many have made major life adjustments. Still, that didn't make the adjustment any different. With all the uncertainty surrounding the pandemic, I began to take care of both our children full-time.

It's amazing how different caring for my children has looked from then until now. At first, the older one and I did a lot of playing sub (taking our imaginary submarine to various locales) in the younger one's room while she slept or relaxed. Other activities were also possible as she was immobile.

Then came the rolling, crawling, and now walking, and things look much different now. 

The older one was also doing distance learning preschool, which mostly took place during the younger one's morning nap. In a piece of good timing, the older one returned to preschool three days a week when the younger one switched to taking only one nap a day in the afternoon.

So now I've been home with the littlest one three days a week and home with both of them two days a week. The littlest one keeps changing so fast — walking, talking more, and getting into more have all made taking care of her a little more exciting.

With the weather now being decent we've played outside a lot, taking a couple walks to the park and walking and biking around the cul-de-sac. I've also used the jogging stroller and double jogging stroller a fair amount, and this week we drove to a trail where the older one rode his bike and I ran with the younger one in the jogging stroller.

I never imagined my life like this. Almost five years ago I was going to stay home in the summer with our first, but then I ended up having a moderate manic episode which kept me from being able to take care of him. Now I've been out of the workforce for over a year and home with the kiddos, and I couldn't feel more fulfilled in life.